


Baby Steps

by KawaiiBoushi



Category: Persona 4
Genre: F/M, Miscarriage, bc i am all about that, chapter 9 marks our pit stop into angst, did someone say married!kannao
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-24
Updated: 2018-01-11
Packaged: 2018-03-19 09:38:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 20,971
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3605313
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KawaiiBoushi/pseuds/KawaiiBoushi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Stumbling, falling, and getting back up again; Kanji and Naoto take slow, shaky steps towards their own family. A series of snippets into their journey.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

The gentle clinking and clattering of kitchenware was a comforting sound to Naoto. It meant that, in just the other room, someone who loved her more than anything else in the world was preparing her a warm, delicious meal, one they’d soon be sharing in their cozy little apartment. Over the years, the rhythm had become almost musical to her ears, familiar and soothing.

Tonight, however, the sound of a mixing spoon against the sides of a pot began to grate on her nerves. She swore Kanji had been at it for five minutes now. Finally, she sat up straight, peering up from her book and over the back of the couch to see him staring blankly down at the curry as his hand moved in circles. He didn’t appear to be paying much attention at all to his surroundings, or the fact that the stove wasn’t even on. 

“Kanji-kun, is everything alright?” Naoto asked, brow furrowing. “You seem distracted. You’ve been…stirring for quite some time.” 

Kanji looked up at Naoto, starting slightly. “Oh – uh, oh, w-was I? Um, I was just – just thinkin’.” He stared at the spoon in his hands for a moment, as if trying to understand what it was doing there. 

“Thinking about…?” Naoto prompted. 

“O-oh.” Kanji didn’t look up. “Well, uh, I – when I was at Junes earlier, getting groceries for dinner, I ran into a girl from sewing club, back in high school. She was there with her husband, and they had a – a baby. Brand new little girl, just about a month old.” The corner of his mouth curled the smallest bit upward as he carried on. “She was the cutest thing. Itty bitty. Tiny hands, tiny feet, tiny nose – but huge eyes. She was all giggly and sweet and adorable and I –” He suddenly cut himself off, swallowing hard. “Um. S-so, yeah, I was just…thinkin’.” 

Naoto slowly closed her book and folded her hands, stomach clenching. She’d always known Kanji loved children, and beneath his rough exterior, he was actually wonderful with them. Somehow, it hadn’t occurred to her until after graduating high school what this could imply for their future. While Kanji’s mother had teased them about grandchildren on occasion, they had yet to discuss the matter seriously – something Naoto, in her own mind, took full responsibility for. It was imperative they talked about it, and she knew Kanji was too nervous to instigate the conversation. Though the subject filled her with dread, it had to happen, and if it was currently on his mind there was no better time. 

“Kanji-kun,” she said softly. “Would you come over here, please?” 

After a long moment, Kanji set the spoon down and slowly walked into the living room, hovering at the edge of the couch until Naoto motioned for him to sit down next to her. Nervously playing with a loose thread on his shirt, he kept his gaze fixed on his hands as they sat in silence. Finally, he blurted, “I want kids.” 

Naoto only pursed her lips as Kanji made himself look up at her, continuing, “I – I mean, m-maybe I’d wanna stop at one, I dunno. But that’s – that’s not the point. I’ve wanted to be a dad as long as I can remember. Even when I was a kid, I always tried to get Yukiko-senpai to play house – she hated it,” he added with a nervous laugh, “and I wanted to cook and take care’a the dolls and – all that stuff they told me I shouldn’t wanna do. But it’s never gone away, that feelin’, and I – I’ve really been thinkin’ about it a lot lately.” 

He reached out and wrapped his shaking hands around Naoto’s, giving them a squeeze. “I love you, Naoto, and I wanna start a family with you. And…” Kanji closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. “Maybe you don’t…want that. And that’s…I could be okay with that. I could never not be happy with you. I just…really, really want this.” 

Naoto bowed her head, bringing one of Kanji’s hands to her lips and softly kissing his knuckles. “I know. I’m sorry that I haven’t…that I’ve made you feel afraid to bring this up with me.” Sighing, she tried to organize her feelings into coherent thoughts. 

“I’m not…opposed to the idea. Terrified of it, but not against it.” She looked back up at Kanji, rubbing circles into his palms with her fingers. “But I have my career, and right now, I’m not ready to give up the aspects of it that would take me away from our family. I don’t…I don’t harbor bitterness towards my parents any longer, I truly don’t. But in the short time I had with them, they were busy, they travelled often, and then…” 

Naoto exhaled slowly, regaining her composure. “It isn’t their fault that they…left me like they did. Now I’ve chosen the same path as them, and it is demanding and dangerous. We both know this, and we’ve chosen as adults to be together and make this work regardless. But at this point in my career, I’m not ready for parenthood. I would be beyond happy if any future child of mine wanted to carry on the Shirogane legacy, but a small child can’t travel with me like you do, and I couldn’t stand the thought of being so distant, physically and emotionally, from them, especially in those formative years. They would deserve the best childhood we could give them, one with both their parents present. Surely you understand.” 

Kanji pulled Naoto a little closer, kissing the top of her head. “Of course I do.” 

“And,” she continued before he could say anything else or she lost her steam, “career aside, I – the idea of being a – a parent – me – it’s terrifying. I’m not good with children, not like you. Being responsible for the well-being, happiness, and life of a human being for at least 18 years – what if I do something wrong? What if I push too hard, or not hard enough, or what if they just hate me for no reason? Teenagers – I didn’t understand teenagers when I was a teenager. They rebel against authority – Kanji-kun, as a parent and a law enforcement figure, that would give them twice the reason to rebel, and –” 

Amusement in his eyes, Kanji cut Naoto off with his lips against hers. He ran his hand gently up and down her arm, encouraging her to relax. It wasn’t until she felt her muscles slowly un-tensing that she realized just how worked up she’d been. After a minute, he broke the kiss, hand coming to rest at the base of her neck, and smiled. 

“Hey, it’s okay. I didn’t mean right this second. Honestly, I feel a lot better just knowin’ you’d be open to it eventually. Doesn’t have to be today, tomorrow, this year, next year. I don’t want us to do this until we’re both ready and able to do it right. It’s my own fault I never asked how you felt about it.” 

Naoto laughed softly. “Don’t worry. It doesn’t take a detective to see how much you adore children. We wouldn’t be here now if I hadn’t decided that…someday, I’d be willing to do this with you. Just…not yet. But you will be a wonderful, incredible father when the time is right.” 

At that, Kanji’s eyes lit up, a grin overtaking his face. He pulled her close in a warm embrace, rubbing her back. “You’re gonna be a great mom someday.” 

“I’ll take your word for it,” Naoto said, nuzzling against the crook of his neck. “But right now, I’m starving.” 

“Oh! Yeah!” Kanji released her, sitting back. “Now that ya mention it, so am I. I was makin’ dinner, wasn’t I?” After leaning over to kiss her forehead, he jumped to his feet, rushing to the kitchen and slipping on his favorite pink apron. 

Naoto couldn’t help a small smile despite herself. Some people were born to be parents, and Kanji, without a doubt, was one of them. She didn’t consider herself a natural by any stretch of the imagination, but then, she had never imagined herself as a friend, much less married. With no one else could she see herself ever being ready to start a family, however far in the future that may be, and she knew that he wouldn’t let her fail. When the timing was right, they’d be in it together. Silly as it was, Naoto indulged herself in the feeling of being able to do anything with Kanji by her side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I've been mulling over kannao babies for like a year now, and I'm finally actually writing it. To be honest, I can't promise anything vaguely resembling regular updates, and I don't have any particular end in sight, though I will keep it chronological. Hopefully this will keep me motivated to write and keep working on other projects I can't wait to share!


	2. Chapter 2

Given the choice, a hospital was one of the last places Naoto wanted to wake up.

It could be worse, she knew. If Kanji hadn’t been there… 

This was supposed to have been a simple, cut and dry case. But digging deeper beneath the scams and fraud had revealed layers of darkness in the suspect’s past, shedding new light on a murder case that had run cold years ago. When confronted, he’d fled, and in the midst of the chase that ensued, had revealed a gun and turned it on Naoto. The last thing she remembered after that was searing pain, red and wet, blooming from her stomach as Kanji’s terrified face swam in her vision. 

She wouldn’t have bothered to ask him to accompany her on a case like this, normally. Initially, she’d assumed it to be dreadfully mundane, mostly paperwork and perhaps a court statement. Nothing she needed assistance with, and presumably not worth dragging him away from work. Kanji’s ears, however, had perked up at the mention of the town she was staying in; evidently there was a textile shop he wanted to visit, or perhaps some special kind of dye he was looking for…she wasn’t quite lucid enough at the moment to recall. 

Regardless of why, he had been there. He had called for help and kept her safe long enough for it to arrive. Without him, Naoto knew she would be dead in an alley somewhere right now, and gratitude flooded her still-groggy mind as she attempted to fully regain consciousness. The pain in her stomach had deadened to a dull throbbing, and she chose instead to focus on the gentle pressure of a much larger hand holding her own. 

“Kan…” Naoto winced at the effort talking took, giving his hand a squeeze. 

“Hey! You’re awake!” Kanji’s hushed voice come from somewhere above her. She turned her head to look at him and he smiled, though he looked drawn and pale. “The doctor said everything went well, surgery an' all. Should be able to go home soon. How ya feelin’?” 

A dozen answers floated through her mind. _I’ll live. I’ve been better. Thank you. I need to report this to the police as soon as possible._

Instead she muttered, “I’m ready.” 

Kanji frowned. “You’re…ready?” 

Naoto nodded, as if it were obvious. “For a baby.” 

“Wh–?” Kanji’s eyes grew wide with confusion. “Naoto, are you – I-I mean, are the painkillers – d’ya know what you’re sayin’ right now?” 

“I am very well aware,” Naoto said, as indignantly as one lying in a hospital bed after just waking up from surgery could. “It is a cliché, I know. Being reminded of my mortality and such. I could have…I would have died if you hadn’t been here. And this isn’t my first brush with death, either. I think…I think I wouldn’t mind taking a few years off,” she mused. “I can still consult for the Inaba police department, and take on other work that allows me to stay local. Even a master detective grows tired of being shot at, drowned, and constantly on the run,” she said with a weary smile. 

“Well, the master detective’s husband gets tired a’that too. But, I – I mean…” Kanji looked flabbergasted. “I – I wasn’t expectin’…look, I don’t want you to feel like y’gotta rush into this just ‘cause you had a close call.” 

“I know that,” Naoto said. “And I’m not making an impulse decision based on what just happened. It’s been on my mind for a few months now.” Kanji’s eyebrows raised slightly at that as she continued. “I’ve made incredible strides in my career. I’ve made a name for myself on my own merits; I’m not simply riding on the Shirogane coattails. I’m gaining _respect_ for what I do. We’re still young, and I can afford to take time off from the more intensive work. If we’re going to do this, now is the time.” 

“Still,” Kanji said, “I don’t wanna pressure you. Even if you could work from home, you’d be puttin’ a big part a’your life on hold.” 

“This is _our_ life, Kanji,” Naoto countered. “Together, for better or for worse. We both deserve a say in it. I can’t ask you to give up on everything you want for my sake,” Naoto said. 

“And I don’t want you to say yes just ‘cause you think you owe me or somethin’. This is a big deal, it ain’t like we’re tryin’ to compromise on what to have for dinner.” He swallowed, looking away. “A lotta people want kids. Don’t mean anyone owes it to ‘em make it happen. So don’t – don’t feel like you do.” 

“I know. This isn’t a decision I would make out of guilt or obligation. I’m…” Breathing out slowly, Naoto squeezed his hand. “Perhaps ‘ready’ is too strong a word. I don’t know that I’ll ever feel completely prepared for this. But I know that the timing is right.” 

“Just ‘cause it’s good timing, you don’t have to…” Kanji shook his head. “I just don’t want our family to be a – a burden on you.” 

“Kanji, listen to me,” Naoto insisted gently. “I know and appreciate that you speak from concern, but I would not go into this blind or unwillingly. To be honest, it was never part of my plan,” she admitted. With a bit of effort, she pushed herself into a sitting position and continued, “But to be blunt, neither were you. I never considered romance, or even friendship, as an option. I believed…well, rather, I convinced myself it was only a hindrance. But here I am today, a better, stronger person because of you and the others. Under any other circumstances, I would never in my wildest dreams consider having children. But I want to do this with _you_ , Kanji. That’s the key word. You.” 

“Naoto…” 

“I’ve always known you’d make an incredible father. Ever since high school, seeing you interact with Nanako-chan and the other children in town. Even if it took you a while to warm up and let it show. They seem as naturally attracted to you as you are to them.” Naoto smiled softly, reaching out and brushing her fingers against his jaw. “And you glow around them, Kanji. Your eyes light up, and your smile is so genuine. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say it was some sort of magic. Seeing you like that, so happy and in your element, makes me feel wonderful. Of course I have fears and doubts - who wouldn't? - but I know that being a parent _with you_ would make me happy as well.” 

Kanji slowly entwined his fingers around Naoto’s. Eyes swimming with emotion, he held her gaze for a long, silent moment before pulling her close and wrapping his arms around her. 

“Ah! Kanji,” she hissed, wincing and putting a hand to her stomach. 

He pulled away immediately, grasping her shoulders instead. “Right – yeah – sorry.” He laughed nervously, a grin overtaking his face, and Naoto couldn’t help but return the smile. 

“I almost thought you were trying to talk me out of it after all this time,” she said with a soft hum of amusement. 

“I just want you to be all in.” Pressing his forehead to hers, he kissed the bridge of her nose. “As long as you are…” 

Naoto tilted her head to kiss him back. “I am,” she murmured. A sudden wave of tiredness crashed over her, eyelids drooping as she rested her head against Kanji’s. “I am…also exhausted. It has been a long…however long it’s been.” 

“You’re talkin’ nonsense,” Kanji chuckled, “you really do need to get some rest.” Helping her ease back down, he pulled the blanket up to cover her, making sure she was warm. “I’ll be right here when you wake up, and pretty soon we can get you back home.” 

Fighting to keep her eyes open, Naoto whispered, “Thank you, Kanji.” 

“I love you, Naoto.” He leaned down, kissing her one last time before she fell asleep. “Sweet dreams.”


	3. Chapter 3

A few days meant nothing.

A week was odd, but nothing to worry about. 

A month found Naoto hiding in one of Kanji’s hoodies – three sizes too big for her – while he was at the textile shop, sneaking through back alleys to Junes. 

Busy and crowded it may have been this time of day, the odds of running into someone she knew at the super store were slim, and she would draw less attention now as opposed to late at night, simply one of many shoppers. Yosuke and Teddie had the day off, Yu and Rise were out of town, and Chie and Yukiko were working – meaning, if she was careful, she could be in and out without being recognized. 

Keeping her head down when she arrived, Naoto made it to personal hygiene unhindered. Comparing two different boxes, she felt a wave of fear and almost contemplated shoplifting for the first time in her life. In a matter of an hour or so, this could all become very real. And anyone could walk down this aisle at any moment and see her here. What if someone recognized her? It was a small town, word could spread. Whatever result she got, she wasn’t ready for that yet. 

“Hey, Naoto-kun! Is that you?” 

A loud, cheery voice brought her back to reality. Jumping half a foot in the air at the sound of her name, Naoto managed to knock over all the boxes in front of her. “Y-Yosuke-kun! I-I-I-!” 

Wearing his trademark grin, Yosuke – one of the last people she wanted or expected to see right now – waltzed down the aisle in her direction. She scrambled to pick up everything she’d dropped, stammering, “Y-your day off – why are you-?” 

Yosuke waved his hand dismissively. “This place can’t last a day without me. I had to come deal with some crabby customers, fix a register that crashed – same old, same old. Here, lemme help you with that.” 

“You – y-you really don’t have to –” Naoto’s protests fell on deaf ears as she tried and failed to pick up every box at the same time. Leaning down, Yosuke reached out to start shelving the ones she missed. Heart leaping into her throat, she froze as he paused to take a closer look at the product. 

“Naoto-kun?” He looked up at her, raising an eyebrow questioningly. “Are you…?” 

“If – if I knew that, I wouldn’t be shopping for – don’t tell Kanji!” she blurted, another wave of panic hitting her. “I – I don’t want to get his hopes up if it’s a false alarm, and – you weren’t supposed to be here – I don’t want people to know, or to think they know, and talk before _I’m_ ready to talk about it.” 

“Woah, hey, don’t worry! I didn’t see anything, ok?” Yosuke clapped a hand on Naoto’s shoulder, looking over his own to make sure no one was around. “Look, go home. I’ll get someone over here to take care of this mess, and later on tonight, I’ll ring a few of these up. I can bring them to you any time, or you can come back for groceries and I’ll make sure you get them. Whatever works for you.” 

Pursing her lips, Naoto watched Yosuke in silence for a long minute before nodding. “Thank you.” 

“Don’t mention it. And don’t worry,” he added with a smile, “I won’t. Mention it, I mean. Not a word to anyone.” 

“Thank you,” she repeated quietly. Ducking her head, she looked down at the mess she had made. “Um. If you have this under control, I suppose I’ll head home.” 

“Yeah, don’t worry about it,” Yosuke said as they stood up. “Some underpaid student hiding in the back needs something to do to kill a few minutes, unless things have changed since I served my time.” 

“Right.” Nodding again, Naoto turned and started down the aisle. 

“Hey!” Yosuke called, prompting her to turn around. “If…you know. Let me be the first to say, congrats.” 

Naoto stared at him, eyes wide, before pulling her hood down around her face and hurrying into the elevator.


	4. Chapter 4

99% accurate.

So that meant there was a 1% chance that she wasn’t actually –

The small bathroom suddenly felt stifling. Naoto stumbled her way out into the kitchen, making a beeline for the sink. Water. Hands trembling, she managed to retrieve a glass from the cabinet and fill it to the brim, barely registering when it began to overflow. She wasn’t sure how much time she passed staring blankly into the sink before a pair of large hands appeared at her waist.

“Hey th – _ow!_ ”

Taken by surprise, Naoto jumped straight into the air, glass slipping from her fingers as the top of her head collided with something – rather, someone. Heart racing, she spun around to see Kanji back up a few steps, rubbing his jaw gingerly.

“Oh!” she exclaimed. “You’re home early. I – you startled me. I – I apologize.”

“Sorry. Thought you heard me come in. Just forgot to grab my lunch this morning, so…” Frowning, Kanji paused and looked at her. “Everything ok? You seem out of it.”

“I…” She must have lost her balance, because the next thing Naoto knew Kanji’s arms were holding her up. She leaned against his side, suddenly feeling exhausted. “I need to sit down.”

“Yeah, you do,” he agreed, concern edging his tone. Leading her to the couch, he sat down next to her, holding his palm up to her forehead. “What’s wrong? Are you sick?”

“No.” Naoto shook her head. “It’s not…” She met Kanji’s eyes, filled with worry for her. He didn’t know that what she was about to say would change…everything. Forever.

“What’s wrong?” he repeated, voice barely above a whisper.

“My –” she started, faltering. “I’m – late. Extremely. I took a – I took multiple…” Closing her eyes, she slipped her hands into Kanji’s grip. “I think…Kanji, I…I’m pregnant.”

…Silence.

Naoto opened her eyes. She had expected…well, a reaction. Instead, Kanji was staring at her, expression blank.

“Kanji?” she prompted, squeezing his hands. This seemed to get his attention, and he blinked rapidly.

“Did…did you just say…” he trailed off, mouth moving wordlessly until he finally managed, “Preg – pregnant?”

“It – it shouldn’t come as a – as a surprise,” Naoto stammered. “This was the – intended result – but – Kanji – I’m not…”

“You don’t seem –” The color drained from Kanji’s face. “Do you not – want this?”

“I…” She didn’t know what to say. It would be so much easier to concentrate if the room would stop spinning for just a moment. 

Kanji cursed under his breath. “This is my fault. I talked you into this.”

“You didn’t talk me into anything,” Naoto insisted. “We both agreed, we both – participated willingly…I – I –”

Her breath felt short; her head light. They’d been trying for months now – long enough for Naoto to begin to worry that it wasn’t possible for them – and yet somehow, some part of her hadn’t really processed what would inevitably come of it. As much as she hated to admit it, she felt completely caught off guard. That scared, confused part of her overwhelmed her senses, flooding her logical mind.

“I just need to…to process this.” Falling back against the couch, Naoto put a hand to her chest. “I…a baby…I’m going to have a baby…”

“You’re gonna have a baby…” Kanji whispered, looking at her almost in awe. “ _We’re_ gonna have a baby,” he added, leaning closer and taking her hands in his own. “You ain’t doin’ this alone, right? S’okay to be scared, but you’re not alone.”

Naoto turned wide eyes on him. “Kanji – I don’t know how to be a parent – a mother – I – I can’t –”

“Hey,” Kanji interrupted. She bit her lip, looking away, but he cupped her chin in his hand and gently guided her face back towards him. “Don’t panic, okay? We’re gonna be fine. The baby’s gonna be fine. It seems overwhelming now but we ain’t gonna screw up. You know Ma’s gonna do everything she can for us, too. She managed to raise me, and that sure as hell wasn’t a walk in the park. There’s nothin’ she won’t be able to deal with if we need help. We can do this.”

“Kanji…there is a person growing inside of me,” Naoto said in a hushed tone. “And in approximately eight months, it will be _outside of me_ , and I…” She shook her head. “I don’t know if…I don’t know if I can do this.”

“You’ll do fine,” Kanji said, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. “Better than fine, you’re gonna be great at this. Our baby’s gonna grow up knowin’ their mom’ll kick anyone’s ass if they mess with ‘em. And which one of us d’ya think they’ll be comin’ to when they need help with their homework? We’re a team. We both got stuff to bring to the table, and it’s all important. Honestly?” He gave a short laugh. “I’m scared too. But I’ve always known that when the time came, and we finally started our family, it would be amazing.”

Naoto took a shaky breath. “You’ve waited so long for this…” she whispered. “Please, don’t…don’t hold back for my sake. You must be on cloud nine. I don’t want you to feel as if you shouldn’t…rather, I need…” Her mind was moving a million miles at once in more directions than she could process. More than anything right now, she needed Kanji’s complete, enthusiastic support. 

As she struggled to find the right words, he pulled her close, burying his face in her shoulder. Arms tight around her waist, his entire body began to shake with small sobs.

“K-Kanji?” Before Naoto could wriggle away to see what was wrong, Kanji pulled back, gripping her arms and grinning at her despite his red eyes and wet cheeks.

“M’fine,” he assured her, shaking his head. “’Course I am. I’m – I’m gonna be a dad. Me. I thought I was gonna drop outta high school and spend the rest a’my life gettin’ into fights and disappointin’ Ma, but…I’m sittin’ here, married to _you_ , and we’re gonna have a _baby_ , Naoto.” He leaned his forehead against hers, laughing through the tears that were still coming. “I just…I love you.”

Naoto couldn’t help but smile as he slowly, carefully laid a hand over her stomach. “An’ this little person in here, I love ‘em too.”

Bringing her hand to rest at the base of Kanji’s neck, Naoto closed her eyes. “I love you too,” she whispered. “I wouldn’t…I can’t do this without you.”

“You ain’t gonna have to,” he promised. “You an’ me, we’re in this together, an’ we’re gonna be great parents, yeah?”

When she didn’t respond, Kanji nodded, causing Naoto’s head to bob up and down with his own. “Yeah? There ya go.”

A short laugh escaped Naoto’s lips. “If you say so.”

“I’m serious, don’t tell yourself for a second you ain’t cut out for bein’ a mom.” Sitting up straight, he grasped her shoulders, fixing her with a serious look. “You ever seen yourself with Nanako-chan? She’s thought you were the coolest thing since sliced bread ever since we were in high school.”

Naoto’s cheeks tinged pink. “Nanako-chan is…m-most children are not…”

“Doesn’t matter about ‘most kids,’” Kanji interrupted. “This is _our_ kid. _Your_ kid. You’ve got all the makin’s of a great parent. We’ll love ‘em with everything we got an’ then some, so everything’ll be okay.”

Silently, Naoto leaned into Kanji’s chest. He wrapped his arms around her, adjusting so that they were laying down, Naoto resting on top of him. For a few minutes, neither of them spoke, Kanji absently rubbing her stomach as she fretted at the hem of her shirt. She wondered whether he could feel her heart pounding like a drum against her body. “You know,” she finally sighed, breaking the silence, “in a few months, we won’t both be able to fit here like this.”

Kanji chuckled. “We’ll just have to make the most of it while we can, then.”

Naoto laid her hands over Kanji’s; it was oddly comforting to feel that his were trembling just as badly. For better or for worse, they were in this together. “We’re going to be parents,” she murmured.

“Yeah.”

“This is…really happening.”

Kanji leaned forward a little bit, kissing the top of her head. “Don’t psych yourself out. We got plenty of time to get ready, and friends and family to help us. Everything’s gonna be okay.”

Naoto let out a deep breath in lieu of answering, giving Kanji’s hand a squeeze. Silence fell over them. A million worries vied for control of her thoughts – what if something went wrong, what if she wasn’t capable of being the parent her child deserved, what if, what if, what if – and quickened her heartbeat. There were seemingly infinite ways this could end in disaster.

Kanji’s fingers gently ran up and down her arm, as if on cue, and she could feel his breath faintly stir her hair. Closing her eyes, Naoto tried to focus on his presence. She wasn’t alone in this. She couldn’t remember being more terrified of anything in her life – not when they had started dating, not when she had proposed – but she wasn’t going into it by herself. 

_I know that being a parent with_ you _would make me happy._ In the months since this conversation had taken place, trying and waiting and trying again, Naoto had questioned her sanity and decision-making abilities on multiple occasions. But while every failed attempt had given her the opportunity to change her mind, she had never taken it. She’d lost more than a few hours of sleep wondering what was possessing her to think this was a good idea.

The only conclusion Naoto had come close to reaching was something unnamed, intangible: the warmth she felt watching Kanji in the day care volunteer position he’d taken over from Yu; the tears she’d been moved to when she read her name in a paper Nanako had written for school about role models. Moments like these made her believe that perhaps parenthood could truly enrich her life rather than detract from it. 

The prospect was, of course, no less terrifying for knowing that. But Kanji’s encouraging words were an earworm, settling in her mind, as they always did, to fight her numerous doubts and fears. Naoto could no more quell her worries permanently than she could stop being a detective, but Kanji had never let them control her. She could find confidence in that fact, even when there was none to be found elsewhere.

Though she was still far from convinced, she had to start somewhere, so she whispered back to Kanji, “Everything’s going to be all right.”


	5. Chapter 5

Soft tinkling caught Naoto’s ear, and she looked up from her tea towards the café entrance. A young woman with a short black bob was holding the door open as she carefully maneuvered a stroller inside, flashing a winning smile at the employee who greeted her. Peering over dark sunglasses as she politely waved him off, she scanned the booths until she spotted the detective seated in the corner, her eyes lighting up.

“Naoto-kun!” the young mother cried, angling the stroller in her direction and slowly weaving around tables to where Naoto was seated.

“Rise-san,” Naoto greeted her quietly once she got closer. She stood up with a smile and returned the idol’s embrace. “It’s good to see you. Are you…trying out a new look?”

Stepping back, Rise raised one perfectly groomed eyebrow. “What, this?” She removed her sunglasses, folding them up with a decisive click and adjusting what, upon closer examination, was clearly a wig. “Some fans got it in their heads that they’d wait around in Okina for me. I wouldn’t mind too much if it had been just one or two, but they made it into this big ordeal and got, like, a ton of people in on it. You wouldn’t _believe_ the size of the crowd at the train station wearing Risette t-shirts. So, I’m incognito today.”

“Perhaps a celebrity of your status doesn’t need to announce the location of their every day trip on social media,” Naoto suggested lightly.

“Aww, you follow me, Naoto-kun?” Rise winked. “That’s so sweet of you!”

Naoto only had time to smirk and roll her eyes before the idol’s gaze flicked downward and she let out a squeal.

“Oh my _gosh!_ You’re showing already?” Rise’s hands gently came to rest on Naoto’s stomach, which was indeed protruding a bit farther than usual. “Oh, Naoto-kun, I still can’t believe this! It’s so _exciting,_ you’re gonna be a mommy before you know it!”

Glancing at Rise’s son, who was currently staring back at her with wide eyes, Naoto gave a small, shaky smile. “Yes, that’s right.”

Rise gave her an appraising look as they sat down across from each other. “Nervous?”

“Astute observation,” Naoto replied. She stared down at her cup, absently watching the tea leaves swirl about as she stirred. Sighing, she continued, “That’s…actually part of the reason I wanted to talk to you. I’m a bit…I – I’m rather…”

“Terrified,” Rise supplied. “I know I was. I wasn’t exactly…we, ah, were planning on waiting another year or two, so it was a little bit of a surprise.” Turning to Hoshi, she tickled his foot and cooed, “But you were the best surprise ever, yes you were!” 

Naoto smiled softly as the idol returned her focus to the conversation. “Even once we got used to the idea of our little bundle of joy coming early, it was…well, I don’t have to tell you it’s scary, even if it happens right on schedule.” Rise raised an eyebrow. “Did you and Kanji…?”

“It was a few months ago that we began…trying,” Naoto answered. “After I got out of the hospital. I decided that I had reached a point in my career that I was ready to put traveling on hold long enough to start a family.”

“A few months?” Rise repeated. “All it took us was one _teensy_ little slip of the mind. That’s kind of a while, though, huh?”

Naoto hummed in confirmation. “He never said anything, but I could tell Kanji was getting concerned. I had started looking into alternate options, though I didn’t get very far before…” Trailing off, she gestured at her torso. “And, now…here I am.”

“Here you are.” Pausing to order an iced coffee from their waiter, Rise tapped a pink, manicured nail against the table. “So, how long are you taking off? You said you’re not traveling right now, but I know you don’t like to sit still.”

Lips pursed, Naoto sighed. “That’s a question I wish I could answer. Kanji says that whatever I feel is right, we’ll work it out, but I…I don’t know what to do. Sometimes his impartiality can be almost maddening; I want advice, guidance…” In a lower voice, she admitted, eyes downcast, “Lately, I have…felt my own parents’ absence strongly, in a new way. There’s so much I wish I could ask them.”

After a few moments, Rise offered, “Have you talked to Kanji’s mom? You two are close, right?”

“I have not spoken to her at length about this particular matter,” Naoto answered, “though it’s not for lack of assurance on her part that I can come to her if I need anything. I expect I will take full advantage of her assistance in the months, if not years, to come. But I wanted to ask your opinion specifically. I admire you for being able to balance your family and your job so well, and I feel our situations are fairly similar. Both of our careers are demanding, involving travel and a spot in the public eye – although I suspect my occasional appearance in the news is nowhere near comparable to the strain of having your entire life publicized. If you hadn’t told us first, it wouldn’t have been long before we found out you were going on another hiatus thanks to the covers of half a dozen different tabloid at Junes.”

“Well, that wasn’t an easy choice, if it makes you feel any better,” Rise assured the detective. “It was hard enough to recover from my first one – a year can be like a decade in show business. Sure, I’ve had a while to reestablish myself since then, but I’m really lucky I’ve made it as far as I have. An idol who drops off the map for a year, then comes back with a boyfriend and still makes it big? It’s unheard of. In the end, I decided that my entire career has been one big risk after another, so why not just do what I wanted and leave the rest up to fate?” 

With a smirk, she added, “And by fate, I mean Inoue-san. I swear he went gray on the spot when I told him I wanted to take another hiatus, even if it’s mostly just a year or two off from touring, but he’s been really great. If you follow my blog, or keep up with industry news at all, you’ve probably seen how we’re marketing this as the inspiration for my next album. I have been writing, and when I feel up to it I do interviews and stuff, but it’s honestly really nice to just step out of the spotlight for the most part and have more time for myself and my family. And even if my new album bombs and my career tanks – hey, I had a better run than most, and I think I’ve got a pretty great consolation prize at home.”

Hoshi, now sound asleep, earned a tiny kiss on the forehead from his mother. “But honestly, Naoto-kun, I don’t think you need to worry too much as far as your career goes. Even if you said to yourself, right now, that you were going to take ten whole years off, there’s nothing stopping you from traveling again in a year, and there’s nothing stopping you from deciding that’s too soon and waiting another month, six months, a year, or however long you want. You’ll always be in demand, so you have flexibility, y’know? There are only so many detectives of your caliber and reputation out there. My advice is to just take it one day at a time, and do whatever you’re comfortable with whenever you feel comfortable with it.”

Naoto took a slow sip of tea, deep in thought. “It’s true that I have freedom to experiment with my career. Perhaps I’m thinking too hard on the issue,” she said after a long minute, a touch of resignation in her voice. “I just…hate not having a plan. Everything about this is so uncertain, and I have no basis for knowing now what will feel right once the baby comes, or how my feelings may change with time. And to tell the truth, I…” She paused, struggling with her next words. “I’m afraid that I’ll run from this, in a sense. I’m worried that I won’t be equipped for parenthood, and that my response will be to use work as an excuse to be distant. I’ll travel too much, push my family away, make my own child feel as if their mother doesn’t want anything to do with them.” Fists clenching, a wave of anxiety quickened her heartbeat. “What if – what if I’m worse for them than not having a mother at all?”

“Hey,” Rise sharply interjected, brow furrowing as she laid her hands over Naoto’s. “Don’t be ridiculous. First of all, would _you_ , of all people, really go out of your way to get pregnant if you _honestly_ believed that any kid of yours would be better off without you?” When the detective didn’t answer, Rise prompted, “Come on, would you?”

“I…” Naoto swallowed. “N-no, but…”

Rise gave Naoto’s hands a squeeze. “It’s natural to be worried about whether or not you’ll be a good parent, but you’re too logical to go through with this if some part of you didn’t believe there’s a possibility it could be great. Just like with Kanji, right? I know you were scared about the bad things that could have happened, but you wouldn’t have stayed with him if you didn’t think it could be worth the risk, and it paid off, didn’t it? You’ve got good instincts. It sounds like Kanji’s been telling you exactly what I did: do what feels right. I know it’s not a roadmap of exactly what to do and when to do it, but no one gets that. It’s just gonna take time and experience to figure a lot of this out.”

Closing her eyes, Naoto took a few slow breaths. “I don’t want to ruin everything. I don’t ever want them to feel the way I did, and I can’t stand the idea of _causing_ them to go through that.”

“That’s why I know you’re not going to,” Rise promised. “You’re scared, but you care so much already, so even if you make a mistake out of fear, you’re not going to let it get out of hand. And you know Kanji’s not afraid to call you out if you ever really do go too far. You’ll find a balance that works for you and your family. Tatsumi-san, the Team, me and Kanji; we’re all here for you. You’re not going to ruin anything, okay?”

Naoto forced herself to meet Rise’s earnest gaze. Maybe it was a testament to the idol’s acting skills that she could almost believe her when she said everything would be fine. Maybe the onslaught of reassurance from her best friends was slowly but surely wearing her down. Whatever the reason, it was surely thanks to them that she had any faith at all, even if it did occasionally waver in strength. When she finally spoke up, she simply said, “You mean, ‘Kanji and _I._ ’”

Rise’s face split into a grin. “There’s the Killjoy Detective I know and love,” she trilled.

Naoto allowed a small smile of her own. “Thank you, Rise-san. Your persistence, at least, is…comforting.”

“Just lemme know next time you need to me annoy some more confidence into you,” she replied with a wink. “Now. We need to talk about your shower.”

“I’ve already said that I’m fine with a small get together if you insist on throwing a party.” Naoto shrugged before eyeing Rise warily. “And I mean it. You don’t need to go to any great lengths to plan something elaborate.”

Rise waved a dismissive hand. “Yeah, yeah. But you can’t stop me from decorating and planning a bunch of silly games.”

With a sigh of faux defeat, Naoto conceded, “I suppose can allow that.”

As the two fell into comfortable conversation, catching up on each other’s lives, Naoto found her eyes constantly drawn to Hoshi. Rise’s every motion towards him seemed so natural, and the mother-to-be wondered if she would ever be so confident in being responsible for such a tiny, fragile life. For the moment, however, frustrating and terrifying as it was, all she could do was accept that there were bridges she couldn’t cross until she came to them. At the very least, she was grateful for the constant reminders that she didn’t have to cross them alone or all at once.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I...cannot believe it's been a year since I updated. Whoops. Sorry. Anyone still reading this? Anyone still care about P4 now that P5 is a thing? Anyways, I'll try not to let the next update take so long!

“What are you staring at?”

“Huh? Oh, uh, nothin’, just – just admirin’ my handiwork there!” Naoto raised an eyebrow as Kanji turned pink and quickly looked away, fixing his gaze firmly on the road ahead of them as they slowly meandered towards the clinic. “Never done any maternity stuff before, but I think it turned out okay.”

Absently running her free hand over her belly, which had been steadily expanding to a more noticeable size, Naoto nodded in agreement. “Yes, it’s very comfortable. You did an excellent job.”

As the weather was getting cooler, Kanji had spent the last week or so furiously knitting a soft navy blue sweater that would fit her. Naoto tried to insist that he didn’t have to go to the trouble – after all, she wasn’t done growing and might not be able to wear it for very long. Still, Kanji was undaunted. Seeing as how he could still hardly believe they were really here now, he wasn’t quite ready to admit yet – at least out loud – that he hoped she might someday have another opportunity to don this sweater.

And despite how painfully obvious it might have been at this point, Kanji was also simply embarrassed to admit that the reason he’d been staring had very little to do with her clothes and very much to do with his recent fascination with the growing belly underneath. There was a baby developing in there; and not just any baby, but _their_ baby. From almost the moment Naoto started showing, Kanji had found his gaze and his hands constantly drawn to her stomach, in awe of the miracle taking place inside. Though it had flustered her at first, Naoto had quickly gotten used to him absently resting his hands on her torso when they watched TV together or laid down for the night.

Now, the idea that, within an hour, he’d get to _see_ his baby for the first time had Kanji nearly skipping the entire way to the appointment, despite Naoto’s reminders that there likely wouldn’t really be much to see. However grainy the image, however indistinguishable the body might be to his untrained eye, Kanji didn’t care. By the time they reached the small clinic, he was positively fit to burst as Naoto filled out paperwork and had her blood pressure and weight measured. 

Finally, she was called back to the examination room by a friendly-looking doctor who seemed positively delighted by Kanji’s enthusiasm. “It always brings a smile to my face, seeing such excited fathers-to-be,” she said as she went about getting the equipment ready. “Gives me a little more hope for the world. Well, all right now, Shirogane-san, let’s get you up here…”

With more help from Kanji than was likely necessary, Naoto pushed herself up onto the chair. Once seated, she slowly laid back, pulling up her sweater to allow the doctor to spread the cool gel over her stomach.

“There’s no need to be nervous,” the doctor commented as she pulled out the transducer. Naoto opened her mouth to assure the older woman she was fine, but she caught a glimpse of Kanji eyeing the contraption warily and reached out to take his hand. She gave him a small smile that he returned with a squeeze of her fingers. As the transducer slid gently over and around her belly, an image began to appear on the monitor.

There wasn’t much to see: a small black space surrounded by a gray, blurry expanse. Inside that gray area was an even smaller gray mass, barely distinguishable from the walls around it. This unassuming shape made Naoto’s heart skip a beat and sent a chill down her spine. Suddenly, she felt acutely aware of her own body, and of the one developing inside it, though she knew she wouldn’t be able to physically sense its presence for some time. 

One hand resting on the side of her stomach, she leaned forward for a better look, letting out a slow breath. “Hello there,” she whispered. It wasn’t the first time she had spoken to her belly, but it suddenly felt different, in a strange and exciting way. It hit her now with a rush of emotion: excitement, fear, affection. It was overwhelming, in fact, and she had to sit back against the chair to steady herself. Casting her gaze behind her, Naoto saw Kanji, enthralled with the image on the screen, silent tears streaming down his face.

With a soft laugh, Naoto pressed a kiss to her husband’s knuckles. This diverted his attention for a moment, and he looked at her, wordlessly pointing at the screen and grinning.

“I know,” Naoto agreed, feeling his smile catch on.

“There they are,” he finally managed. “That’s our baby!” The look of pure joy on Kanji’s face warmed Naoto’s heart. Moments like these made everything they were doing feel so… _right._

After allowing them a few more minutes of awe and admiration, the doctor gently interjected with the results that had been gathered through the examination: one fetus, healthy and normal, due late spring of the coming year. She printed out two copies of the ultrasound, one that Kanji proudly declared would be displayed on the fridge, and one that Naoto would mail to her grandfather. 

When Kanji had finished profusely thanking the doctor, the two made their way home, planning next week’s baby furniture shopping trip. Upon their return, Kanji took his time picking out the cutest magnet with which to hang up the ultrasound, and once Naoto had nodded her approval of his choice, she was struck with a sudden wave of exhaustion. She had never been one for a regular sleep schedule, and, despite having begun to cut back on work, she found herself no less prone to feeling tired at odd hours than ever. It didn’t help, she supposed, that the constant pressure on her bladder and the occasional random craving had her waking up sometimes multiple times in a single night on an increasingly regular basis.

Whatever the reason, at the moment, nothing sounded more appealing than a nap. Bidding her good night – or afternoon, rather – with a kiss, Kanji settled in on the couch with a magazine he’d picked up at Junes, flipping through recipes looking for inspiration for that night’s dinner.

A short time later, as he debated between trying a new style of curry sauce or putting the ground beef he’d just bought to use, the sound of his phone vibrating on the coffee table caught Kanji’s attention. Glancing over, he saw Rise’s contact image beaming at him from the screen of his phone. Dog-earing his current page, he picked the phone up and held it a good inch away from his ear before answering.

“’Sup, Rise?”

“Kanji!” As predicted, her squeal was more than loud enough from this distance. “Wasn’t today the first ultrasound? Naoto-kun’s not answering her phone and I need details! How did it go?”

Kanji smiled sheepishly, shrugging one shoulder even though she couldn’t see him. “Fine. I mean, normal, I guess.”

“Oh, fine, normal, whatever,” Rise repeated teasingly. “C’mon, Kanji, I know you’re freaking out on the inside!”

Glancing over to make sure the bedroom door was shut, Kanji’s face finally split into a wide grin. “We saw the baby! I mean, the picture was all fuzzy, and it was kinda hard to tell up from down, but…there’s really a baby in there!” He laughed, sniffling against tears. “I got to see my baby today…it feels so much more real now.”

Rise hummed affirmatively. “Isn’t it exciting? I remember Hoshi’s first ultrasound. There wasn’t much to see, but I felt so…connected to him. What did Naoto-kun think about it?”

“She kept tellin’ me not to get my hopes up because we wouldn’t be able to see much, but then she couldn’t look away from the screen.” Kanji smiled fondly. “I’m really happy she’s happy about this. I mean, I know we wouldn’t be here now if she didn’t want to be, but I’m worried she’s gonna psych herself out or somethin’, y’know? So it’s really great to see her excited about the baby.”

“Yeah,” Rise agreed. “I never would have guessed it back in high school, but I think she’s gonna be great at this, in her own way. She’s definitely more prepared than I was. Have you seen her flashcards?”

Kanji laughed. “Oh, yeah. Twice a week for the last month, actually. S’what I get for thinkin’ I was done with studying after I finished school, right?” 

“Hey, that’s the Naoto-kun we know and love,” Rise said affectionately. “Oh! I almost forgot to ask, do you know yet? Boy or girl?”

“Nah. We’re just gonna wait and see. Don’t wanna have any biases or anything goin’ in, y’know?”

“Yeah, that makes sense.” With a thoughtful noise, she added, “Not like I would expect either of you to have any, of course. Do you have a preference, though?”

“Not really.” Pausing, Kanji gave it another moment of thought. “Well, I guess I’ve been thinkin’ lately, it’d be cool to have a daughter.”

“Ah- _hah_!” Rise exclaimed. The noise made Kanji jump a little, almost dropping the phone. “I _knew_ it! You are so the doting daddy type that would spoil a little girl totally rotten. That’s _adorable_ , Kanji.”

“H-hey, that ain’t -!” Kanji protested, cheeks going pink. In actuality, he would spoil any child of his rotten regardless of gender, but that wasn’t what he was getting at. “I just…think Naoto would be a great role model, y’know? Our daughter would never have any reason to believe anyone who told her she couldn’t be a detective, or whatever else she wanted to be.” 

Laughing self-consciously, Kanji rubbed the back of his neck. “Man, talkin’ like that still feels weird…but good weird, y’know? Like, I can’t believe this is really happening.”

Rise let out a dramatic sigh. “Oh, Kanji, don’t you ever change. You are absolutely precious; far too pure for this world.”

“Sh-shut it!” Kanji half-heartedly growled.

“One thing I can count on never changing is that it will always be fun to tease you.” Voice lowering to a softer, more serious tone, Rise added, “Really though, you’re already, like, Super-Dad and your kid isn’t even born yet. They’re gonna be lucky to have you.”

Kanji couldn’t suppress his smile, going from pink to red. “Ya really think so?”

“I know so,” Rise assured him. “You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting for this, honestly. Ever since the first time I saw you make a fool out of yourself in front of her, I’ve totally been rooting for you two to get married and have beautiful awkward babies together.”

“Uh, thanks, I think. Do –”

“Oh – no – Yu, I told you, stop eating the baby food –! Sorry Kanji, gotta go, tell Naoto-kun I love her and she better call me back as soon as possible, bye!”

“Will do,” Kanji chuckled as the line disconnected. He spared another glance towards the bedroom as he set his phone back on the table.

Just on the other side of that door slept the most amazing, talented, beautiful person he had ever had the fortune of meeting. And by some miracle, despite the bumbling idiot he had felt like around her for the longest time, she had chosen him. Out of all the people in the world, Naoto Shirogane had married _him_ , and she was starting a family with _him_. Everything Kanji had ever dreamed of or hoped for, it paled in comparison to what he had now. And the craziest part, he mused with a dreamy smile as he got up to start preparing dinner – 

The best was still yet to come.


	7. Chapter 7

Raindrops pounded like bullets against the car, as erratic as Naoto’s heartbeat as she desperately tried to force the door open. Her fingers scrabbled where the handle should be but found nothing, and the window wouldn’t yield no matter how much force she threw herself at it with.

“Let me out!” she screamed over the sound of sirens. Grabbing hold of the bars that separated her from the officer in the front seat, she pleaded with him, “Please, I have to get back to my child, you need to take me home or else let me out of here at once!”

The man remained silent, unfazed. Lightning illuminated the road in front of them for only a brief moment before the view outside the windshield was once again obscured by gaping darkness. What Naoto saw in that instant she swore made her heart stop.

The car screeched to a halt. The door she’d been struggling with suddenly ceased to be an obstacle, and she stumbled into the storm, taking in the scene before her.

A sedan sat upside-down ten yards away, so badly mangled it was barely recognizable as a vehicle. Skid marks traced its path as far down the road as Naoto could see, and scraps of metal littered the site of the crash. Faceless uniformed people swarmed the area, yelling back and forth and dragging something from the wreckage.

Two somethings. Two _bodies_.

Naoto was unable to look away as they came into view – she couldn’t tear her eyes from the blank, lifeless faces of Kanji and herself.

A wail pierced the air, drowning out the rumbling thunder. Slowly turning around, she saw a young child standing on the other side of the yellow tape dividing the rest of the world from the accident. They stood with their hands balled into fists at their sides, face upturned to the sky as they cried.

“Mommy! Daddy!”

Naoto’s breath caught in her throat.

“No,” she whispered, running to the child. She dropped to her knees in front of them. “I’m here! I’m right here!”

“Come back!” They continued to sob, oblivious to Naoto’s frantic bid for their attention. “I don’t want to be alone!”

“You aren’t alone!”

“Naoto!”

“Not again – _not again!_ ”

“Naoto, wake up!”

Gasping sharply, Naoto jolted into consciousness, muscles seized with uncontrollable spasms. Something held fast to her arm, and she instinctively tried to pull away, letting out a wordless cry. A bright light suddenly illuminated the world, momentarily blinding her as a large hand gripped her other arm.

“Hey, hey, Naoto!” Kanji’s face appeared in her vision first, and gradually her other senses returned. She was tangled in sweat-drenched sheets, breathing as heavily as if she’d just run a marathon. As she regained control of her body and stopped struggling, Kanji’s hands moved to her face, keeping her focus on him. “Look at me, look at me, it’s okay,” he assured her. “It was just a dream, you’re okay.”

Shaking violently, Naoto raised her hands and clutched tightly to Kanji’s shirt, sobs wracking her body.

“It’s – it’s – it’s all going to happen again,” she choked out, fighting to draw breath, “they’ll be alone, just like – _we’ll_ leave them alone, we – w-we –!”

“Hey, don’t talk like that.” Kanji sat Naoto up and wrapped his arms around her, rubbing circles on her back. “It was just a dream, it doesn’t mean anything. We’re gonna be there for ‘em, watch ‘em grow up healthy and happy. We’re gonna be a family and nothin’s gonna break us apart.”

Naoto shook her head, chest heaving. “You can’t – y-you don’t _know_ that,” she insisted. “My – my parents – th-they surely believed the same – the same thing, and – and – and –”

Kanji sat back, slipping his hands around hers. “And _you_ don’t know what’s gonna happen either,” he countered gently. “You’re worryin’ yourself sick, this ain’t good for either of you. Look at me, breathe, okay?” Slowly, he breathed in, held it for a moment, and breathed out. In, out, in, out; until Naoto was able to match his pace and keep it on her own. Smiling softly, he brushed messy bangs from her face. “There ya go, that’s better. We’re okay. Everything’s okay. We took down a goddess hell-bent on destroyin’ all of humanity. You think there’s anything that’ll be able to get between us an’ this kid?”

“Accidents happen.” Naoto shuddered. “You can’t fight a – a car crash, or a natural disaster, or –”

“I know.” They stared at each other in silence for a long moment, Kanji’s expression melancholy. “I know. Y’just gotta swear you’ll do everything you _can_ do to protect the people ya love. If you’re always worried about the things you can’t control, you’re gonna miss out on the time you get with ‘em, whether it’s a little or a lot.” Eyes lighting with determination, he continued, “But as long as I got a say in it, I ain’t goin’ nowhere. I’m gonna give this kid the best damn childhood in the history a’childhoods, whether they like it or not.”

Naoto sniffled. “That sounds a bit contradictory to me.”

“Yeah, well, that’s my strategy.” The corner of Kanji’s mouth perked up. “Make ‘em have so much fun, they get sick a’fun, then they’re beggin’ to do homework and chores and eat their veggies.”

“You’re an evil genius,” Naoto chuckled softly.

He grinned. “That’s me. Perfect match for a master detective.” Pressing a kiss to her forehead, he suggested, “How ‘bout some tea? Somethin’ to help calm ya down.”

Naoto hesitated, then nodded, looking away. “That sounds lovely.” She tugged at the collar of her damp nightshirt, shifting uncomfortably. “I’d…also like to take a quick shower.”

“Good idea.” Kanji helped her to her feet, giving her hands one last squeeze as he stepped towards the door. “Tea’ll be waitin’ for ya.”

“Thank you,” Naoto whispered, shuffling to the bathroom and shedding her pajamas.

Carefully perching on the stool in the shower, she took a few minutes to simply sit under the stream of clean, hot water. She imagined the sweat being washed from her body as worry from her mind, wishing it was that simple.

While lesser so than in her childhood and teenage years, nightmares still plagued Naoto’s sleep well into adulthood. Regardless of Kanji’s constant reassurance, she couldn’t see them as anything other than a sign of weakness – if not for having such fears and insecurities in the first place, the fact that she couldn’t escape them even in unconsciousness drove her mad. The most common theme was loss, frequent enough that she’d almost – but not quite – gotten used to it, though perhaps resigned was a better word. This was, however, the first time that the idea of _being_ lost had pierced her so deeply.

The showerhead slipped from her hands, and she realized that they were shaking again. _Calm down,_ she chastised herself as she reached for it, _it was only a dream._

A dream that served as a reminder of how everything she held dear could be irreversibly shattered in a single moment. Two decades hadn’t fully healed the wound left by her parents’ death. Bearing a child could only be sentencing an innocent life to a future of loneliness and pain. It was a risk with too many factors to calculate accurately.

 _And so is being with Kanji to begin with,_ she reminded herself. _So was remaining in Inaba even after my work here was done. Those paid off beyond my wildest imaginings. Perhaps this, too, could have a happy ending._

Naoto wished, not for the first time, that she had Kanji’s ability to remain optimistic in the face of such uncertainty – but perhaps everything she hadn’t yet given up on showed that he had rubbed off on her.

A knock at the door snapped her from her reverie. “Naoto? You ain’t shriveled up into a prune in there, are ya? Tea’s gonna get cold.”

“I’ll be right out,” she called back, rinsing shampoo from her hair. She allowed herself another minute, practicing the deep breathing exercises Kanji had found online for her. Slowly turning the water off, she stood up and wrapped herself in a soft blue towel, feeling a bit better having cleaned up. Images from the dream still lurked in her mind, but she knew from experience they would fade. Never for good, but come morning, she would wake up in Kanji’s arms – or as close as they could come, with Naoto’s ever-expanding belly in the way – knowing that this was the reality she had fought for and won. As long as she had a choice in the matter, she would never let anything disturb that.


	8. Chapter 8

Kanji awoke to the sound of what he first assumed was the television left on from their movie earlier – but that had been full of loud, brash action, and the voice he heard was soft. Naoto, meanwhile, was absent from her earlier spot next to him in bed. Perhaps she had woken up and put in another disc. Curious, he stood up, quietly making his way to the living room.

Though the television was still off, he did find Naoto, sitting on the couch with her back to him. She was speaking to no one he could see, and upon closer examination, appeared to be reading from a thick, well-worn book – in English, no less. For a short while, Kanji stood and listened, so mesmerized with her voice he found himself drawn into what little of the story he could understand.

Finally deciding after a short while that he ought to make his presence known, he stepped closer and asked, “Whatcha doin’?”

Naoto broke off mid-sentence, starting. Whipping her head around, she stared at Kanji, a blush spreading over her face. “How – how long have you been standing there?”

Kanji shrugged, trying not to grin. “Couple minutes.” Two, five, ten – his definition of ‘a couple’ was broad. He moved around the couch, sitting on the arm across from her. “So,” he tried again when she remained silent, “what’s up?”

“I was…” Naoto cleared her throat, looking down. “Babies are able to hear noise, however faintly, starting from around the sixteenth week of pregnancy. They come to recognize voices and sounds heard often in utero, long before birth. Isn’t that amazing?” she murmured, laying a hand over her stomach and gazing at it in wonder. Glancing up, she saw Kanji watching her with a gentle smile that made her face redden even more.

“Um.” Tugging absently at her hair, she took a moment to regain her composure. “Anyway. I was having difficulty falling asleep, so I moved out here to read so as not to disturb you. A few chapters in, I thought it might be beneficial if I were to read out loud to – um, to the baby.”

Kanji raised an eyebrow. “Y’don’t think Sherlock Holmes is a little over their head?”

Shaking her head, Naoto continued, “My intention was merely to begin familiarizing the baby with my voice. While reading to a child from birth can have a positive effect on their educational and emotional development, there’s nothing substantial to back up the idea that it has any such effect in the womb. So it is unlikely that my choice of reading material matters – or, honestly, whether I read, sing, or simply speak gibberish. Reading this out loud happened to be convenient, and I would like to form good habits early.” She smiled a little. “If, however, they were to develop an appreciation for the classics, I would not complain.”

Kanji laughed. “Startin’ ‘em off young.”

“As did my own parents.” Naoto looked down at the cover of the book, expression growing melancholy. “This particular book, it…I – I don’t have many memories of them. When they were home, they read to me often. This was one of my favorites. It was my mother’s, from when she was young. Perhaps it isn’t much as far as heirlooms go, but I want…I want our child to have memories of us. Good ones. And if they can feel connected to us the same way that I…” She paused, fidgeting with a dog-eared page. “If they come to love the same stories I do, that – it would make me happy.”

Kanji made a small noise of understanding. “Yeah. S’hard to beat that feelin’ when you can share somethin’ special with someone you love. Y’know, I bet…” He hesitated, carefully thinking over his words. “I bet your mom an’ dad would be real happy to know you love the things they shared with you so much you wanna pass it on to your own kid. Readin’, bein’ a detective, all of it.”

Naoto remained silent, simply nodding, not trusting her voice not to crack.

“‘Course,” Kanji added, “don’t take it personally if they ain’t that into it – after all, even all those cool stories might seem boring when they got a mom like you.”

This drew a laugh out of her, and though it allowed a few tears to slip from her eyes, they reflected her genuine smile. “Thank you,” she murmured, wiping at her face with her sleeve. “I wonder, sometimes, whether they would be proud of me; the things I’ve done, the choices I’ve made. As I’ve begun developing…emotions and desires, for my own child and their future…I think this is the first time I’ve been able to say with any certainty that…perhaps they would be.”

“They’d be crazy not to be,” Kanji promised.

“Thank you,” Naoto whispered again.

“And you’re gonna be – no,” Kanji corrected himself, “you already _are_ a great mom. This baby doesn’t even know how lucky they are to have you.”

Naoto smiled, cheeks tinting slightly. “And we’re both incredibly lucky to have you.”

Rubbing the back of his neck with a happy blush and a sheepish grin, Kanji waved the comment off. Holding her gaze for another moment, he eventually prompted, “Well?”

“Well what?”

“Well, my English is a little – okay, a lot rusty, but I’m pretty sure you left us hangin’ just when the story was gettin’ good. Don’t stop on my account.”

Slipping from the arm onto the couch by Naoto’s feet, Kanji rested his arms on his knees and his chin on his arms. Between the sleepy, crooked smile on his face; the affection in his eyes; his tousled hair; she was forced to admit that her husband was quite handsome. Though such things tended not to faze her, something about the way he was looking at her in this moment left Naoto flustered and tongue-tied – only deepening Kanji’s grin, much to her horror.

“F-fine.” Clearing her throat, she flipped back to where she’d left off earlier.

It was only a few minutes before Kanji was fast asleep again, head lolling and snoring slightly. Naoto chuckled softly. “Handsome indeed,” she teased under her breath, reaching out and nudging him with her toes. “Kanji, I’m going back to bed.”

He mumbled unintelligibly as Naoto heaved herself up from the couch. “Comin’,” she thought she heard him say, but he only flopped forward, laying down on his side and snoring louder.

“Right.” Having to squat to comfortably reach him, Naoto kissed Kanji good night. “I’ll see you in the morning then.”

With that, she waddled off to the bedroom, making a mental note to find a pattern book or something of the like to make Kanji read tomorrow night.


	9. Chapter 9

It happened without warning late one night, early in her third trimester.

Most of the details went forgotten – what time she had woken up, what flavor of mochi she had been raiding the freezer for – while others burned far too clearly into her memory.

Cramps in her lower back – not entirely abnormal at this stage – intensifying far too quickly, moving to her abdomen.

Something hot and sticky Naoto would come to identify as _blood_ staining her nightclothes, dripping down her legs.

Precisely seventeen minutes between the first sign something was wrong and the moment Kanji returned home from his Junes run.

Fifteen of those minutes spent on the floor, halfway between the kitchen and the bedroom, where she’d suddenly been drained of the strength to even hold herself upright.

Everything moved too fast – _this rate of progression isn’t normal I should have had more time this isn’t right_ – and too slow – _where is he what’s taking him so long why isn’t he home yet_ – as contractions passed through Naoto’s body. So much as sitting up caused her to feel sick, and the slowly-throbbing pain in her torso rendered her incapable of even moving with each wave. She was powerless to do anything but lie on her back, desperately pleading with the universe for this to be a nightmare, to let her wake up.

“ _Naoto!_ ” At long last, the door slammed open. “Naoto, what’s wrong, where are you?” Kanji must have heard her cries before even making it to the second floor. He was at her side now, face devoid of color as he held his phone to his ear.

“H-hello?” His free hand held tightly to one of hers, shaking like a leaf in the wind. “M-my wife – she’s pregnant – I just got home and there’s – th-there’s _blood_ – dammit, I need an ambulance _now_!”

“Kanji,” Naoto gasped, squeezing his hand as he gave the operator their address.

“What happened?” Dropping the phone, Kanji slipped his arm between her head and the cold floor, holding her in as comfortable a position as he could manage without moving her too much.

“Con – contractions,” was all she managed.

“But –” Kanji stammered nonsensically for a few moments. “It’s not time, you’ve got _months_!”

Gritting her teeth against the pain, Naoto could only shake her head. Kanji paled, if possible, even more.

“Oh no,” he whispered. “Oh no…no, no, no, _no_.”

He fell into silence, not complaining – not seeming to realize – when his hand began to go numb from the pressure Naoto’s was exerting onto it. He rested her head in his lap, eyes wide with terror.

In the distance, faint sirens grew closer. Naoto already knew, deep down, that they were futile. She closed her eyes, wishing the pain was strong enough to drown out the knowledge of the reality that awaited when she was released from it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Every time I posted a new chapter and someone said something like “this is so cute I’m so happy :D” I just. Thought about this chapter and sweated super loudly;;; I'M GENUINELY SORRY FOR THIS I KNOW I'M A BAD PERSON no spoilers but i promise there’s still a bunch of chapters to go and i won't leave y'all hanging for as long as i did with earlier updates pls stick around for my redemption arc OTL


	10. Chapter 10

A strange sense of vertigo tugged at Naoto from every direction, making her feel as if she were experiencing the world around her from the opposite end of a long, dark tunnel. She was dimly aware of Kanji’s hand gripping her arm, but his sobs sounded distant; miles away. There was a doctor – she couldn’t seem to make her eyes focus on him – and he was speaking, likely to her, but his words floated in one ear and out the other, only snatches catching hold in her mind.

– _unable to determine a cause –_

_– deeply sorry –_

_– not viable –_

_– not your fault –_

And that was the cruel irony of it all. None of this was her fault. This body she had been born into, that had taken years for her to accept, hadn’t been her fault. She had never asked for the parts that had for so long marked her as weak, incapable. And now, as the punchline of some perverse joke more than twenty years in the making, they had simply failed, without so much as an explanation. What, she wondered bitterly, had been the point of it all?

The doctors kept using words like ‘labor’ and ‘delivery’ to refer to what just happened, and Naoto wished they’d stop. The hours of pain she had endured, the premature body that had been rejected by her own: they were some twisted, nightmare definition of those words. All she had to show for what she had been through – she couldn’t even bring herself to look at…it. Them. The body. Her child. Nothing sounded right. Nothing _felt_ right.

The rest of the time at the hospital passed like a movie, and she was merely watching the characters, herself included, play out the scene. A doctor gently explained the physical healing process, the side effects she would experience over the coming weeks, steps to take to ensure everything went as smoothly as could be expected. Naoto nodded, accepting advice and pamphlets, body on autopilot while her mind drifted in a dream-like state. Kanji’s hand in hers was the only anchor that kept her tethered to reality as they slowly made their way home. The drive was silent, the walk was silent – what could either of them say even if they found the voice to speak?

Hands shaking, it took a full minute of cursing and fumbling before Kanji finally managed to insert the key into the lock and open the door to Naoto’s first floor office, slamming it open with a loud _bang_. He jumped a little, startled, as if he hadn’t intended to use so much force. For a moment, they both simply hesitated at the threshold. The bag of groceries Kanji had dropped by the desk when he heard Naoto yelling was still there, and at the top of the stairs on the far wall, the door to their living space had been left hanging open after he had carefully maneuvered her down and out of the building. From down here, there were very few signs that anything out of the ordinary had happened.

Before either of them could make another move to enter, however, a foul, metallic scent suddenly hit Naoto and she felt her heart drop as bile rose up in her throat. Gagging, she turned around and bolted, only making it a few feet before collapsing, retching violently in the street.

“Naoto!” Slamming the door shut, Kanji flew to her side, one hand rubbing her back while the other firmly grasped her shoulder. “I’m sorry, I didn’t think – I forgot about –”

With hacking coughs, what felt like everything left inside of her was expelled from Naoto’s body. The stench of blood caused still-fresh memories to replay over and over in her mind’s eye, and her head was spinning so badly she was afraid the world would be yanked out from underneath her if she moved.

“Naoto!”

Kanji’s voice, somewhere nearby, called her name. A pair of hands pulled her into a sitting position, brushed her hair out of her eyes.

“Focus on me. Breathe. Just breathe.”

Suddenly, Naoto felt a strange pain in her arms. It wasn’t until she saw Kanji gently pulling her hands back that she realized her nails had been digging into her own skin as she had curled in on herself on the ground. Her fingers tingled uncomfortably, feeling slowly returning to them, as Kanji grasped both of her trembling hands in one of his. His free hand cradled her cheek, gently guiding her to meet his gaze. After a few moments, Naoto was able to force herself to focus on his tear-streaked face, though breathing still felt laborious.

“We can stay with Ma until – as long as we need. I – I’ll take care of…” His voice cracked as he glanced through the window, and he paused to wipe at his eyes with his free hand. “Can…can you walk?”

Talking grated at her throat, so Naoto opted not to. When she made a move to push herself off the ground, her knees buckled, and she tipped forward into Kanji’s waiting arms.

“It’s fine,” he whispered, holding her close. “We can’t stay out here, and we can’t go inside, so I’m gonna carry you to the car and we’ll drive to Ma’s, okay?”

Under normal circumstances, she would protest, loudly and aggressively. But she could find no more strength in her than it took to draw a rattling breath and nod, so Kanji slowly, carefully adjusted her until he could pick her up. Naoto was painfully aware of every extra ounce of weight that he struggled awkwardly to hold, how pointless it was now. She held onto him a little tighter.

The trek through the small alley next to the office was, thankfully, short and uninterrupted. Naoto managed to stand, leaning against Kanji, long enough for him to open the back door to the car. She slipped inside, laying lengthwise along the seat. On any other morning as nice as this one, they would have gladly walked to Tatsumi Textiles, but even if Naoto had been in any condition to do so, neither relished the idea of running into anyone right now.

After about a ten minute drive, Kanji pulled to a stop in front of his old home. Naoto pushed herself up, silently accepting his arm as he helped her to her feet. Out of habit, she glanced around as they walked towards the entrance, but the only other sign of life was a slender fox peering at them from behind the shrine’s gate.

As soon as they entered, Kanji’s mother stood up to greet them, smiling warmly – then, almost immediately, her face paled and her hands flew to her mouth as she took in their expressions, Naoto’s state.

“Kanji, close up the store,” she ordered, and her son instinctively obeyed. Luckily, there were no customers, so it took him only a few moments, which was more than enough time for Izumi to make it to where Naoto stood.

“Oh, my dear,” she whispered, sweeping Naoto into her arms. Stumbling a little, Naoto immediately wrapped her arms around her mother-in-law, burying her face in the older woman’s shoulder as her own began to shake.

Moving quietly, Kanji joined them, laying a hand on Naoto’s back. As the elder Tatsumi looked up and met his gaze, he wondered briefly how she had known – ‘mother’s intuition,’ she always used to say when he was a child, but today there was no gleam in her eyes, no smirk on her lips. Only tears slowly streaking her face as she stroked Naoto’s hair, murmuring quiet words of sympathy.

When the sobs seemed to have subsided, Izumi took a step back, gently untangling herself from Naoto’s grip and taking her face in both hands. For a moment, they stared at each other in silence broken only by sniffles, until Izumi kissed the top of her daughter-in-law’s head. “My home is yours, as it always has been. Don’t hesitate to ask for anything you need. Something to eat, or drink?”

“I just want to sleep,” Naoto whispered, coughing and looking away.

“Of course.” Izumi glanced at her son. “Kanji, if you’d be so kind as to set up your room, we’ll be up momentarily.”

He ran his hand down Naoto’s arm, hesitating before finally nodding. “Yeah.” With that, he was up the stairs, gripping the handrail so tightly his knuckles went white.

“Naoto.”

At the sound of her name, Naoto made herself look up at Izumi.

“I’m not your mother,” she began, “so perhaps this will never mean as much coming from me. But I care deeply for you as if you _were_ my own daughter. Every parent’s worst nightmare is that they will outlive their children, but to watch as they experience that for themselves…” Her voice cracked as she spoke. “I can’t express how sorry I am.”

Naoto was silent for a long moment. “I…” Voice hoarse, she cleared her throat. “I don’t understand. Even the doctors can’t provide a complete explanation. The odds of having one even after a post – post mortem examination are slim. If it had been something I’d done wrong, or some sort of disease, _anything_ …at least I’d have an answer. But they said it just… _happens_ sometimes.” Looking up at Izumi pleadingly, she continued, “There – there can’t not be a reason, there _can’t_. Why me? Why my child?”

Fresh tears forming in her eyes – she wondered how many she could possibly produce in one day – Naoto shook her head. “I don’t even fully understand my own emotions, mourning for a child I never had the chance to know. But…” Drawing a gasping breath, “It _hurts_ ,” was all she could get out.

Izumi took Naoto’s shaking hands in her own. “Love may not be something anyone can completely understand. Yours is quiet, but fierce. You aren’t wrong, or weak, to grieve the loss of a life, especially one you created. I wish I could offer more than my deepest condolences.”

On the brink of breaking down again, Naoto bit her lip before embracing her mother-in-law. They held each other in silence until a soft cough from the stairwell caught their attention.

“Sorry,” Kanji whispered as they both looked at him. “Um. I got everything set up, so…”

Izumi slowly led Naoto to the stairs. “Try to get some sleep,” she ordered gently. “Both of you. If you need anything, I’m going to be in the kitchen.”

Kanji nodded, slipping an arm around Naoto’s waist when she wobbled slightly on the first step. “Thanks, Ma.”

She gave him a small, sad smile. “Anything for you.”


	11. Chapter 11

Life returned to normal quickly, yet nothing was the same.

The stain on the floor was gone, but opening the freezer still brought back memories. Naoto’s stomach shrank back to its usual size, but Inaba was far too small to escape the pitying looks of those who had put two and two together and realized what was missing from the equation. Soon enough, the only evidence of what had almost been was the sewing room-turned-nursery, which they had just begun to furnish in anticipation. Kanji silently unpacked the dresser drawers, and neither of them entered the room for weeks afterward.

One night just over a month later, following restless hours of tossing and turning, Naoto had finally escaped consciousness only to find herself in the place her mind conjured up in her darkest hours. She was lying on a cold metal surface, a sickly sweet smell pressing in on her nose and lungs like thick cotton, her surroundings aglow with an unnatural green light. A shudder seized her body as she realized where she was, and she hoisted herself off the operating table immediately, hurrying to seek a way out. Her breathing quickened as she made her way around the perimeter of the lab, running her hands along the walls but finding nothing that would indicate an exit.

“Are we through playing yet?” Her own voice, but deeper, suddenly echoed throughout the cavernous room. Naoto spun around to see herself standing only inches away, far closer than she had been prepared for. Stumbling backwards, she fumbled at her waist, searching for her gun, finding nothing.

“What do you want?” Naoto demanded, fighting to keep her voice steady.

At that, the Shadow began to laugh, a dark chuckle that clashed severely with the childish voice it spoke in. “You want answers, don’t you? Naoto Shirogane, the great detective. Finally a grown-up, finally respected, finally loved – you thought you could have it all. You thought a happy little family now could make up for _all_ the tears you _cried_ and _cried_ when you were little. When you were big, even.” The Shadow wilted, falling to its knees and sobbing into still-oversized sleeves. “Why did this happen to me? What did I ever do to deserve this?”

Gripping her right shoulder with the opposite hand, Naoto pursed her lips and looked away. Though having to witness her emotions expressed in such a way stung, they were nothing new. If this was anything like the first time, perhaps if she were simply to comfort the –

“Why was I forced into this body if it can’t even function correctly?” Without warning, the Shadow was suddenly pressed against her, clutching her shoulders and shaking violently. Naoto let out a gasp of surprise and pain as she was thrust against the wall, too startled to even attempt to escape the Shadow’s grip. Through the white cloth, its fingernails dug into her skin, and its yellow eyes glowed frightfully as its voice lowered. “Everything I endured – the taunts, the judgement, the _self-loathing_ – surely it would all have been worth it. Finally, a use for all these extraneous parts that have only ever held me back. But in the end, I will never truly be able to fulfill any role assigned to me.”

 _You’re wrong_ , Naoto wanted to protest, but she couldn’t find her voice. Had these questions, these doubts, not been plaguing her since the miscarriage? In truth, had she ever really overcome the need to prove to the world – to herself, even – that she was good enough as she was?

“Though really, it was for the best, you know.” Despite the Shadow’s playful giggle, these words sent a chill down Naoto’s spine. “You, a parent? A _mother?_ Bringing up a child to be happy and emotionally stable? You can barely accomplish that for yourself. This was a kinder fate than to be raised by _you_.”

“N-no,” Naoto forced out, shaking hands pushing in vain against the weight of the Shadow. It wasn’t true; she couldn’t allow such thoughts to drag her back down into darkness. When her other self brought its mouth to her ear, however, breath unnaturally cool against her skin, her body suddenly felt heavy as lead. Strength draining, blood running cold, she could fight back no longer.

“ _Shhhh_ , that’s it,” it crooned, stroking her hair. “It’s never too late to fix you. Remove those…unnecessary bits. They’ve only ever caused you suffering, haven’t they?”

Naoto felt cold metal press against her stomach and realized what the Shadow intended to do. Her heartbeat quickened, but she couldn’t move. _This isn’t what I want,_ she shouted to herself, _this is wrong, this is all wrong!_ The small blade only pushed harder and harder against her skin, until sharp pain caused her to cry out –

And the lab disappeared, replaced by darkness. A new weight settled on her shoulders, though there was something comforting in this grip. A dark shape swam in Naoto’s vision, slowly gaining form as she caught her breath.

“Are you okay?” Kanji’s voice was thick with concern, and one hand left her shoulder to brush against her cheek. Though the gesture was gentle, Naoto couldn’t help but flinch at the reminiscence of the Shadow from her dream.

“I…” She paused, coughing once, and reached underneath her pajama top to run her fingers over her stomach. With a sigh, she confirmed that there was no incision, no impression of a scalpel. “I’m fine. It was…just a dream.”

“Was it bad? Sounded like you were hurt.”

Remaining silent for a minute to collect her thoughts, Naoto sat up and folded her hands in her lap. “Do you…” she finally started. “Do you still dream about your Shadow?”

She could feel Kanji’s entire body stiffen slightly, then relax. “Every now and then. Not as much as I used to.”

“It felt so…real. As if I had been thrown into the television world once more, and my Shadow still intended to cut me to pieces.” Naoto gave a derisive scoff. “Of all the forms my insecurities could take, few make me feel quite so pathetic.”

Kanji flipped on the bedside lamp and gave Naoto’s hand a gentle squeeze. “S’okay. No one knows how to push all our own buttons like we do. Our Shadows just give our brains perfect fodder to work against us with.” After a beat, absently trailing his thumb against her wrist, he asked, “Do you need to talk about it?”

Hesitantly, Naoto began, “It – my Shadow…it started to cry about the – the miscarriage. ‘Why did this happen to me,’ and so forth. But then it…changed its demeanor. It started laughing, and said that – that this was better – that any child is better off _dead_ than –” Her voice gave out as she choked back tears.

“Naoto…” Kanji instantly pulled her into a tight embrace. “You know that’s not true.”

“I know. I _know_ ,” Naoto insisted, in part to convince herself. “For all my self-doubt, I never wanted…a-and now, it’s so hard not to try to find some…some fault, some motive, _something_.”

With a heavy sigh, Kanji whispered, “I know. But you can’t do that to yourself. It’s gonna drive you crazy.”

For a few more minutes, they simply sat there, Naoto sniffling into Kanji’s shirt as he ran a hand through her hair. When it was just the two of them, there was no need to put on a brave face or search for something profound to say. This wasn’t the first night they had spent mourning together.

It was, however, the first night that the silence was broken by anything other than a few murmured words of comfort before they both managed to return to sleep. “I’ve been thinking about…how to proceed from here,” Naoto began softly. “The part of me that my Shadow was born from is telling me that this was all a mistake, to give up and never look back. And I don’t think I could even fault myself for that. But…over the past year, I’ve experienced so many feelings I never imagined I would. Love and excitement for the child growing inside me, worry over whether I could give them the life they deserve, the pain of losing them before I truly even knew them. It’s difficult to put into words, but reflecting on all of this…I can’t say that I truly _want_ to simply give up. I think…I think I want to try again, one more time.”

A dozen emotions seemed to flash over Kanji’s face in a matter of moments, settling on trepidation before he said, “Naoto…you don’t have to…I mean, you just…I don’t want you to feel like I expect you to –”

“I know you don’t,” Naoto countered, “and I love you for that. But just as I assured you before that I wouldn’t have gone through with it if I didn’t want to, that holds true now more than ever. I’m not saying that I’m ready right this moment, but…we can’t grieve forever, and I don’t want this to hold us back from our family.”

Kanji looked away, a pained expression on his face. “What if…what if it happens again? I can’t watch you go through that a second time. I can barely live with myself knowin’ I put you through it once.”

“Kanji.” Naoto reached out and firmly guided him back to meet her gaze. “Didn’t you just tell me we can’t do this to ourselves? How many times do I have to tell you this is my decision as much as yours? Your desire for a child doesn’t make you somehow at fault for what happened.”

“I know,” Kanji whispered, “but I’m – you can create an _entirely new_ _life_ inside of yourself, and that’s amazing, it’s incredible, but – but it means you have to shoulder all the bad parts, too. I felt so scared and useless when I came home that night and you were…” Voice cracking, he swallowed heavily. “I would’ve done anything to take that pain on myself so you didn’t have to feel it. But all I could do was sit there, knowing what was coming, not being able to stop it or do a damn thing for you. I should – should’ve at least been there sooner, I never should’ve left that night. I – I wasn’t – I couldn’t – I’m sorry, Naoto.” The dam finally broke and he began to cry. “I’m _so sorry._ ”

“Kanji…” In a roundabout sort of way, it broke Naoto’s heart to see how Kanji’s broke for her. She wrapped her arms around him and he clung tightly to her, face buried in the crook of her neck as his body shook with sobs. “I love you so much. Please don’t feel guilty. It’s not your fault, you couldn’t have known. There’s nothing you could have done to prevent it even had you been there as soon as I realized what was happening. What’s important is that you were there as soon as you could have been, and that you’ve been here ever since, because I could never have gotten through this without you. I know how much you wish you could have spared me, because it’s exactly how I would feel if our positions were reversed, but just your presence and your love mean the world to me, Kanji. Please don’t do this to yourself.”

Kanji drew a shuddering breath. “I don’t want to lose another one. I don’t want to do that to us again.”

Kissing the top of his head, Naoto sighed. “I’m scared too. But I don’t want fear to control us. If it happens again…I won’t have it in me, physically or emotionally, to keep subjecting myself to this. I’ll accept that childbirth is not in the cards for me and we’ll decide what happens after that.” With a breath of mirthless laughter, she added, “How ironic that would be after all I’ve been through.”

After a few more moments, Kanji sat back and held Naoto’s gaze. His eyes, red and swollen from crying, burned with emotion as he finally nodded. “There’s nothin’ I’ve ever wanted more than a family with you. If you’re really sure you want to try again…then we will. One more time. And whatever happens, we’ll get through it together. I love you, Naoto.”

Smiling softly, Naoto pressed her lips gently to Kanji’s. He brought one hand to the back of her head, tilting his slightly to return the gesture. Where their noses and cheeks touched were still damp with tears, but the kiss was steady, comforting. When Naoto sat back with a short hum, leaning her forehead against Kanji’s and blinking sleepily, she murmured, “Let’s pick this conversation back up in the morning.”

“Morning it is,” Kanji agreed, kissing her temple. They laid back down together, instinctively tangling up in each other’s arms. Naoto rested her head against his chest, listening to his heartbeat. The comforting rhythm and his gentle warmth lulled her into a more peaceful sleep, her own heart feeling a bit less heavy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey y'all, just a heads up that the new semester just started and work has gotten really busy, so I apologize if I go back to....not so regular chapters. I know where I want to go from here, it's just a matter of, yknow, writing it. But know that I at least do have an end goal of sorts in mind and do plan on seeing it through!


	12. Chapter 12

Naoto stared at the sonogram, feeling the rest of the room spin around her as the news sunk in.

“You…you’re sure?” she breathed, though she knew there could be no mistake. She was no expert, but even she could make out the shape on the screen – or rather, shapes –

“One hundred percent,” the doctor confirmed. “You’re carrying twins, Shirogane-san.”

“Twins,” Naoto repeated. “Two babies. Two… _two_ …babies. Plural.”

“That’s right.”

Sitting back with a long exhale, Naoto pursed her lips. “Am I…um. I’m rather…I am somewhat…of a below average…” She scowled. “What I mean to say is, will they – is it safe for me to carry _twins?_ Especially given…what happened before.”

The doctor gave her a reaffirming smile. “Many women of smaller build carry perfectly healthy multiples to term with little to no complication. Now, I will be frank with you in that twins are at a slightly higher risk of miscarriage, so given the circumstances, I would recommend extra check-ups to be on the safe side. But I know that you underwent multiple examinations after last time, and everything came up perfectly normal and healthy. If you have any concerns, please don’t hesitate to contact us, but so far, we have no reason to believe that you aren’t physically suited to this pregnancy.”

“That’s…that’s good,” Naoto said, still attempting to process the bombshell that had just been dropped on her when –

“Holy _shit_ ,” Kanji interjected. Both Naoto and the doctor turned to see him grinning widely, running a hand slowly through his hair. When he realized the other two were staring at him, his smile became sheepish. “Sorry. I just – it just hit me. _Twins!_ ”

Naoto let out a shaky laugh, more nerves than mirth. “I’m glad someone’s excited.”

At that, a flicker of worry crossed Kanji’s face, but he kept silent for the remainder of the appointment. It wasn’t until they were on their way home that he gave her hand a squeeze and said, “Hey. Are…are you okay with this?”

“I suppose I have to be,” Naoto replied, then immediately sighed. “I’m sorry. That came out wrong. I know I sound – I’m not – I’m just…”

“Scared?” Kanji supplied.

“Exactly. This is…well, twice as many babies as I expected. It’s a lot to take in, to say the least.” Slowing her pace, she looked up to the sky thoughtfully. “But I don’t want to be a broken record, and keep dwelling on fears and what-ifs. That’s only going to hold me back. The prospect of raising two children at once is more than a little terrifying, but even so, I want to be as excited as you are. If I needed your support and enthusiasm before, that goes double now.”

Kanji quickly kissed her knuckles before allowing their entwined hands to swing between them once more. “Well, you better be ready to get hyped, because twins are the coolest thing ever. Like, more to love, right? And we can dress ‘em up in little matching outfits, which is cute enough on its own, but if they’re _identical_ twins, I mean, it just doesn’t get more adorable than that. Of course, I gotta work double time makin’ twice as many little onesies, twice as many little sweaters, twice as many tiny little socks for twice as many tiny little feet…” He paused, mind wandering for just a moment to a small box full of clothes that would never be worn. Taking a deep breath and letting it out before continuing, he added, “If they _are_ identical, though, maybe we should pick out colors so we don’t get ‘em mixed up until it gets easier to tell ‘em apart. Like, one always wears warm colors and the other wears cool colors or something.”

Naoto hummed in agreement. “I’ll leave the color coordination to you. Your eye for fashion is much better than mine.”

“Our kids are gonna be stylish as hell,” Kanji laughed. “And y’know what, our family photos are gonna be nice and symmetrical if we each hold one.”

“I see. So, there’s an aesthetic value to twins beyond simple adorableness.”

Nodding sagely, Kanji confirmed, “Yeah, now you’re catchin’ on. Hey, hold on though,” he suddenly added, furrowing his brow. “Are we gonna have enough space for two kids? The nursery’s fine for now, but it’s gonna get real cramped real fast once they start growing.”

Naoto brought her free hand to her chin. “Hmm. Perhaps we ought to start looking at houses in a few years. For the time being, we’ll at least need more furniture…another high chair, another stroller…I need to find out if we’ll need another crib; we may need to reorganize the nursery if that’s the case.”

As they neared the shopping district, Kanji gently tugged on Naoto’s arm in the direction of Aiya’s. “Why don’t we talk about this over lunch? Then afterwards, we can drop by Ma’s and tell her the big news. She’s gonna flip when she hears.”

“Excellent idea,” Naoto agreed. “Do you think if I tell Aika-san I’m carrying twins and extremely famished, she’ll let me take the Beef Bowl Challenge even though it’s not raining…?”

Kanji gave her an incredulous look. “You really want one of those? Are twin cravings, like, double strength or something?”

“That’s a good question.” Frowning, she added, “Perhaps we ought to stop by Junes on our way home. We can stock up on groceries, and at least glance at the baby department.”

As they entered the diner, a friendly “ _Aiya!_ ” welcoming them, Kanji spotted Chie in the corner, presumably on her lunch break. Grinning, she waved the couple over, inviting them to join her.

“Hey, guys!” Chie said as they sat down opposite her. “How’s it going? Your ultrasound was today, right, Naoto-kun? Good news, I hope?”

Naoto glanced at Kanji, smiling as he gave her hand a squeeze under the table. “Fantastic news, actually.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been waiting to introduce this headcanon for.......................years.................................................Kannao twins are bestest cutest babies :3c


	13. Chapter 13

“And…perfect.”

The last plate aligned just right on the table, Kanji stood back to admire his work. All the food looked delicious, if he did say so himself, and the tablecloth and china were a nice touch. Nodding in satisfaction, he double-checked his phone. Naoto had texted him about half an hour ago saying she was leaving Okina, so she would probably be home any minute now.

Kanji’s guess, it turned out, was right on the money. As he lit a couple candles as a last touch, the office door’s bell jingled from downstairs. Moments later, the apartment door opened, Naoto emerging into the kitchen.

“Hey!” he greeted her enthusiastically. “Welcome home.”

As Naoto closed the door behind her, Kanji gave her hand a squeeze and pressed a kiss to her lips. She peered behind him when he stepped back, taking in the kitchen before her. “What’s the occasion?” Her tone was casual, but he could see the dawning of a panic in her eyes as they darted around the room, and he could almost hear a mental calendar being frantically flipped through.

“Nothin’ really,” Kanji said with a shrug. “I just thought, y’know, we’ve only got a few months of alone time before the twins come. And then who knows how long it’ll be before we can do this kinda stuff again. Why not take advantage of it while we can?”

A soft smile crossed Naoto’s face, the slight tension in her shoulders relaxing. “That’s a good idea. Let me go set my bags down.”

She disappeared into the bedroom for a minute, and returned sans shopping bags and changed into a t-shirt and sweatpants. “So, what are your plans for the evening?”

Kanji pulled out her chair before sitting across the table from her. “Well, we got katsu and veggies for dinner, and I made candied sweet potatoes for dessert. Then I rented a couple movies for after,” he continued, gesturing in the direction of TV. “Oh, which reminds me, if you want ‘em later, there’s a couple bags a’those chocolate-covered potato chips you’ve been obsessed with in the cupboard.”

As she began to load her plate with vegetables, Naoto gave a short laugh. “So that’s three bags, counting the one I bought on my way home.”

Kanji smirked. “Well, you aren’t gonna run out any time soon, at least. Maybe. You _have_ been eatin’ those things like they’re going out of style.”

Sticking her lip out in a mock pout, Naoto said, “I’m eating for three, you know.”

“Aren’t you the one who gave me a whole lecture about how you don’t _actually_ have to eat _that_ much more when you’re carryin’ twins?” Kanji pointed out, gently nudging her foot under the table. Naoto only laughed softly and returned the gesture. After he finished filling his own plate, Kanji asked, “So, how was your day? You and Chie went to that history of mecha thing, right?”

“Mhm. It was nice,” Naoto responded, nodding. “For a pop-up, the exhibit was surprisingly thorough. They had some very old, obscure merchandise on display, a few pieces of which I would love to have for my own collection. None of it was for sale, though, of course. Regardless, it was quite impressive for what it was. I think they may have a more permanent location in Tokyo; I’d love to visit sometime.”

“Maybe we should take the kids there in a few years, when they’re old enough to appreciate how cool robots are,” Kanji suggested.

With a smile, Naoto agreed, “As any child of mine surely would.”

“Nerd,” Kanji teased. Naoto only shrugged, not denying the accusation as she dug into her meal. Dinner passed amidst similarly light conversation, Naoto gladly helping herself to seconds along with plenty of sweet potatoes. It warmed Kanji’s heart to see her enjoy the food he made so enthusiastically, and he couldn’t help but get excited for all the meals they would be able to share with their children someday soon.

Once they had both had their fill, Kanji stood up and helped Naoto to her feet, before starting to clear the table.

“Here, gimme a minute to clean up a little, and I’ll be right over.”

With that, Naoto waddled her way to the cupboard for a bag of chips on her way to the living room. By the time Kanji made his way to the couch, she was already settled in, feet propped up on a kotatsu cushion on the table. It was getting harder for her to find comfortable positions the more she grew, and she preferred to lay down stretched out on the couch, but this left no room for Kanji when she did so. He didn’t mind sitting on the floor to give her space, but she had become increasingly affectionate the further into this pregnancy she got. Even if he did try to stay down there, she would likely insist on him sitting with her anyway. Sure enough, after he put the first DVD in and sat down, she immediately scooted as close as she could and wrapped one arm around Kanji’s.

“What did you get?” she asked between chips.

“This one just came out a few weeks ago, somethin’ about a French smuggling ring. I dunno if it’s any good, so I got that one Conan movie you really like, too.”

“Mmm,” Naoto hummed her approval, “excellent choice. It’s been a while, but I suppose I’ll give this other movie a fighting chance at least.”

And while she tried her hardest to do so, it became evident that she was growing bored with the movie fairly quickly. Only about twenty minutes in, she had abandoned her snack completely in favor of nuzzling insistently against him. Another five or so minutes, and neither was paying much attention at all to the television, Naoto having managed to maneuver Kanji – not that he put up a fight – in a complete 180 until he was sitting _seiza_ beside her. Her arms draped around his neck, she leaned her forehead against his for a few beats before her eyes slid shut and she closed the small gap remaining between them. Kanji rested one hand at the small of her back while the other slowly entwined in her hair as he leaned into the kiss. Her mouth, working slowly against his, tasted of both salt and chocolate. He had to admit, he was going to miss how often they could currently enjoy these quiet, intimate times alone together.

Almost the moment this thought crossed his mind, Naoto’s hands were suddenly on his shoulders and she pushed him back. With a small noise of confusion, Kanji blinked back into focus, frowning at her. “What’s wrong?”

“Did – did you feel that?” she asked, one hand still on his shoulder and the other on her stomach, which she was staring at with wide eyes.

“What–?”

“ _That_.”

Naoto grabbed one of Kanji’s hands and laid it next to hers on her stomach. A few moments passed before Kanji gave a short gasp.

“They – they’re kicking!” He couldn’t keep a huge smile from his face, and a matching one was slowly dawning on Naoto’s. “Is this – was that the first time?”

She nodded, laughing softly. “Perhaps they felt left out, with our talk of alone time.”

“Aww,” Kanji chuckled, gently pushing back Naoto’s t-shirt so he could lean down to kiss her belly. “Don’t worry, pretty soon here just about _everything’s_ gonna revolve around you two. It kinda already does.”

“You’re not entirely wrong,” Naoto agreed. For a quiet minute, they both sat waiting to see if the twins would continue kicking, but it seemed they had returned to restfulness for the time being. Feeling a rush of affection, Kanji pressed a soft kiss to her cheek, one to her jaw, and one more in the crook of her neck before resting his head on her shoulder. He ran one hand up and down her arm, the other remaining on her stomach.

“I love you. Even if we don’t get a lotta time like this for a while, don’t let me take you for granted, okay?”

A breath of laughter stirred Kanji’s hair. “I honestly don’t think you could if you tried.” Naoto nudged him into an upright position, and he could see adoration in her eyes before she gave him another kiss, lingering on his lips and quickly pecking his nose.

They sat there for a short time longer, Kanji tracing small circles on her stomach with his thumb. Eventually, he leaned back, raising his arms above his head in a long stretch. “Oof. Alright, I am startin’ to get a little cramped sitting like this. You wanna finish the movie?”

“Not especially,” Naoto admitted. “It was boring, and the acting was sub-par. I need something to cleanse my palette.”

“Glad you said it, ‘cause I wasn’t going to.” With a grunt, Kanji stood up, moving to switch the discs out. “Right, Conan time it is.”

As he settled back in, Naoto pulled a quilt over them and snuggled close. Despite having seen this film probably a dozen times, she still seemed as invested in it as always, muttering under her breath at the characters and leaning into the action scenes. Kanji, paying more attention to her than the TV at this point, smiled contentedly, already planning out family vacations and movie nights yet to come.


	14. Chapter 14

The afternoon sun shone harshly off the stone memorial before Naoto, causing her to squint and turn away. Though, in all honesty, this wasn’t exactly a sight she was eager to take in. She hadn’t visited the family grave in years, making this the first time since the miscarriage.

 _It’s just a piece of rock_ , she chastised herself, squaring her shoulders and forcing herself to face it again. Her eyes scanned the names carved into the stone until they lit upon _Mizuko_ near the bottom. Her stomach twisted uncomfortably, followed by a few kicks from the twins. The feeling calmed her marginally, and she kept one hand on her stomach as she laid the other against the warm gravestone.

Closing her eyes, Naoto hesitated before sending out a quiet prayer. _Mom, Dad. I don’t know where you are, or if you can hear me, but if you can…take care of them. Make sure they know they were loved, even if we never got to know them. I hope…I hope someday our family will be together again._

As she stood there, Naoto became aware of Kanji’s hand on her shoulder. She glanced back to see him standing a couple paces away. “You don’t have to stay back there, you know,” she said softly. “You’re a Shirogane too, after all.”

He gave her a small half-smile and stepped forward, pressing a kiss to her temple. Kneeling down, he quickly cleaned the base of the grave, hand lingering over the newest name before he retrieved a stick of incense from his bag.  He remained kneeling after lighting it, holding Naoto’s hand as they paid their silent respects.

About five minutes later, Naoto gave his hand a squeeze and gently tugged in the direction of the exit. Standing for long periods of time was becoming increasingly uncomfortable for her, so the visit was a short one. They were spending the weekend at the estate anyway, and she didn’t want to make her grandfather wait on them for dinner. After grabbing a quick snack at the convenience store to tide her over, they were on the next train back. Not in a talkative mood, Naoto spent the ride napping, lulled to sleep by the gentle motion of Kanji’s arms and the soft clicking of knitting needles as he worked on a pair of little purple socks.

…

Later that night, as she lay staring at the wall in the guest bedroom, Naoto cursed herself for sleeping so well on the train. Despite her grandfather staying up later than usual to catch up with them after dinner, and Kanji seeming to be out like a light as soon as they retired, Naoto was still wide awake hours later.

Though, really, it was probably not the earlier nap that was keeping her up. As she got further into her pregnancy, a good night’s sleep became a rare, precious commodity; between her miscellaneous aches and pains, the movement inside of her that was becoming more frequent, and the cravings that often couldn’t wait until morning. It didn’t help, either, that her mind had been reeling all day with both memories of the past and thoughts of the fast-approaching future.

After what felt like the hundredth time rolling over, Naoto breathed a soft sigh and pushed herself up, careful not to disturb Kanji. Luckily, he had developed a knack for sleeping through her restless tossing and turning, a fact for which she was grateful, though more than a little jealous of. He didn’t stir as she climbed out of bed, so she donned a pair of slippers and snuck out the door.

She didn’t have a particular destination in mind. Mostly, she was hoping she would tire herself out enough to be able to finally get some sleep. One hand on her belly, the other trailing along the wall, Naoto ambled along, her mind turning to memories as she walked. How many times had she ran up and down these halls as a child, playing some game or another? Pausing in front of a seemingly innocuous stretch of wall, she pressed her ear against it and drummed her fingertips against the wood paneling. If she remembered correctly…

“Hah,” she muttered to herself with a smile upon hearing the slightest of echoes. A few feet to her right was a closet that held only linens, but when she was around seven years old, Naoto had discovered a crawlspace beneath the bottom shelf that led to an entire hidden room she had designated as her top secret spy base. She had first become suspicious of its existence after bumping against the wall and noting that the resulting noise sounded hollow, somehow. The Shirogane who had built the estate must have had a penchant for secrets; this wasn’t the only hidden space she had discovered over the years. Uncovering these little mysteries had brought her such joy throughout her childhood, and soon, two new Shiroganes would be able to share in that experience themselves.

Cradling her stomach with both arms, Naoto resumed her wandering in the direction of the stairs. _Two_ new Shiroganes. As nervous as she was about the idea of twins, she was also excited for them. Neither child would grow up without a playmate, without a friend. They would always have someone to share their laughter and their tears with. Though it hadn’t technically been by any decision of her own, Naoto was glad she could give them something she had never had. More than anything, she wanted to protect them from the stifling loneliness she had spent the better part of a decade struggling with.

Bringing her focus to the present, Naoto clasped tightly to the railing as she slowly made her way downstairs. Kanji had fussed over her the entire way up when they went to bed, and while it had been exasperating at the time, making the trek to the ground floor alone in the dark now was a little intimidating in this state. When she finally reached the bottom, she let out a sigh and took a moment to consider her next stop before settling on going to the library in hopes of reading herself to sleep.

To her surprise, however, as Naoto approached the room, she found the doors already partly open, soft light spilling out from within.

“Grandpa?” she called softly, peeking inside. “Yakushiji-san?”

  
“It’s me, my dear,” her grandfather’s voice called back from the other side of the large room. “Care to join me?”

As she passed row upon row of bookshelves, a sense of nostalgia settled in on her. She had probably spent at least as much time here as in her own room as a child, frequently having been found in the morning asleep on the couch or the floor with a book in her hands. For all the bitterness she had eventually come to terms with over having to grow up alone in this big old house, it was still home to treasured memories that were a part of who she was. Naoto could only hope it would be the same to her children.

“Can’t sleep?” A sympathetic smile on his face, her grandfather moved over on the couch in the corner as she approached to make room for her.

With a huff of exertion, she plopped down beside him. “This,” she explained, gesturing to her entire lower half, “makes it difficult at times.”

“I can imagine,” he commiserated in amusement.

“What are you reading?” Naoto asked, gesturing at the small book in his lap. It was leather-bound, with no apparent title on the front or spine.

“Ah.” Smile shifting to something melancholy, the old man took one of Naoto’s hands and placed the book into her grasp. “I’ve been having the estate cleaned recently, in an attempt to get rid of some of the junk I’ve accumulated over the years. The other day, one of the cleaners found a box in the attic I had forgotten about. Some personal belongings of your parents’. Among them was a diary your mother kept. It seems to be starting from around when she realized she was pregnant with you and continues until a few months after your birth. Quite uncanny timing, really. I thought you might like to take it home with you.”

The book in Naoto’s hands suddenly felt featherlight, and she held tighter to it as if it might disappear before her. “Oh,” she breathed. “I didn’t know she…” Over the years, she had read and reread case files compiled by both of her parents, clinging desperately to what traces of them were left, but the documents were so formal and impersonal that she may as well have been reading the news. She never expected to come across something like this after nearly twenty years.

“Neither did I,” her grandfather said. “I haven’t found anything from your father, or anything else your mother wrote, but…it’s something.”

“It’s something,” Naoto repeated quietly, letting the diary fall open to a random entry near the front.

 _We learned the baby’s sex today,_ the page read, handwriting less tidy than the script she used in official documents. _It’s a girl. We’re having a girl. I’m not sure how to describe how I feel. Excited isn’t quite the right word. I mean, I am, but this is a different kind of excitement. Like I’m being challenged. Like my future daughter is being challenged. I know it’s going to be a long time before things are easy for women like me. And if she chooses to carry on the family legacy, her life won’t be a walk in the park either. But I’ll be damned if I’m not going to be the best role model I can be and show her that just because the world isn’t ready for us, that doesn’t mean we should back down. I can’t wait for the chance to raise her to be strong and confident and proud, and I can’t wait to love her, and I can’t wait to see the amazing woman she grows into._

It was here that the tears in Naoto’s eyes became too heavy to read through, and she snapped the diary closed and held it to her chest as they began to spill freely. Truth be told, with each passing year it became harder for her to remember her parents as more than mere concepts – a smiling face here, a snippet of a voice there. She had been so young when she had lost them; she had barely had the chance to truly know them. But now, she held in her hands concrete proof that they had existed, telling her more about who they were and how much they loved her than pictures she didn’t remember taking ever could. For the first time she could remember, she felt close to them.

The eldest Shirogane gently laid a hand on Naoto’s shoulder, the best comfort he could give between the awkward angle and her protruding stomach. “They would be so proud of you, Naoto. The career you’ve established, the family you’ve built. The happiness you’ve found. That’s all they ever wanted for you.”

Unable to find the words to respond, she only nodded, leaning into her grandfather’s touch. As she did so, she felt movement in her belly, the babies beginning to stir. Hiccupping, Naoto managed a laugh. “Settle down in there. It’s alright, I’m not sad. I’m – I’m happy, really. Just…a sad kind of happy. Oh, goodness,” she sniffled, laughing again. “Of all the times…Grandpa, is there still any of that pound cake left? I just remembered how good dessert was and I’m suddenly craving more.”

He raised an eyebrow. “Cake? At this hour?”

Naoto gave an overly-dramatic _humph_. “You’re going to tell your great-grandchildren no?”

Chuckling, the elder Shirogane stood up and held out a hand to help Naoto to her feet. “Well, that’s another story. If the _twins_ want pound cake, they’ll have pound cake. Come, I believe there’s still a slice or two in the fridge.”Diary tucked under her arm as they made their way to the kitchen, she wrapped her free one around her grandfather in a hug. It was small, but he had given her a link to her mother she thought she would never have. Encouraged by this tenuous connection, Naoto could almost imagine that four generations of Shiroganes were gathered together now, whispering conspiratorially over midnight cake.


End file.
